I Believed That I Identified As a Lesbian - David Bowie Made Me Realize the Actual Situation

In 2011, several years prior to the acclaimed David Bowie display opened at the renowned Victoria and Albert Museum in the UK capital, I declared myself a homosexual woman. Until that moment, I had exclusively dated men, one of whom I had entered matrimony with. By 2013, I found myself in my early 40s, a newly single caregiver to four kids, residing in the United States.

At that time, I had started questioning both my sense of self and attraction preferences, looking to find answers.

Born in England during the early 1970s - prior to digital connectivity. When we were young, my friends and I were without social platforms or video sharing sites to turn to when we had inquiries regarding sexuality; rather, we turned toward music icons, and in that decade, everyone was challenging gender norms.

The Eurythmics singer donned male clothing, The flamboyant singer embraced girls' clothes, and pop groups such as well-known groups featured performers who were openly gay.

I craved his slender frame and precise cut, his angular jaw and masculine torso. I wanted to embody the Bowie's Berlin period

In that decade, I passed my days riding a motorbike and dressing like a tomboy, but I reverted back to traditional womanhood when I opted for marriage. My husband moved our family to the America in 2007, but when the marriage ended I felt an irresistible pull revisiting the male identity I had previously abandoned.

Given that no one challenged norms as dramatically as David Bowie, I opted to devote an open day during a summer trip visiting Britain at the V&A, anticipating that maybe he could help me figure it out.

I lacked clarity exactly what I was seeking when I stepped inside the display - possibly I anticipated that by submerging my consciousness in the opulence of Bowie's identity exploration, I might, in turn, discover a hint about my own identity.

I soon found myself facing a modest display where the visual presentation for "that track" was playing on repeat. Bowie was performing confidently in the primary position, looking sharp in a charcoal outfit, while to the side three accompanying performers in feminine attire clustered near a microphone.

Unlike the performers I had encountered in real life, these ladies didn't glide around the stage with the poise of born divas; rather they looked bored and annoyed. Placed in secondary positions, they were chewing and rolled their eyes at the tedium of it all.

"Boys keep swinging, boys always work it out," Bowie performed brightly, appearing ignorant to their reduced excitement. I felt a momentary pang of empathy for the supporting artists, with their heavy makeup, uncomfortable wigs and constricting garments.

They appeared to feel as uncomfortable as I did in women's clothes - frustrated and eager, as if they were hoping for it all to end. At the moment when I understood I connected with three male performers in feminine attire, one of them removed her wig, wiped the makeup from her face, and showed herself to be ... Bowie! Shocker. (Naturally, there were additional David Bowies as well.)

At that moment, I was absolutely sure that I desired to shed all constraints and become Bowie too. I desired his lean physique and his sharp haircut, his defined jawline and his flat chest; I aimed to personify the slender-shaped, Bowie's German period. Nevertheless I couldn't, because to genuinely embody Bowie, first I would require being a man.

Announcing my identity as queer was one thing, but transitioning was a much more frightening possibility.

It took me further time before I was willing. In the meantime, I tried my hardest to embrace manhood: I abandoned beauty products and eliminated all my women's clothing, cut off my hair and started wearing masculine outfits.

I altered how I sat, changed my stride, and adopted new identifiers, but I paused at surgical procedures - the possibility of rejection and second thoughts had caused me to freeze with apprehension.

Once the David Bowie exhibition finished its world tour with a engagement in the American metropolis, following that period, I went back. I had reached a breaking point. I found it impossible to maintain the facade to be a person I wasn't.

Standing in front of the same video in 2018, I was absolutely sure that the issue didn't involve my attire, it was my physical form. I wasn't simply a tomboy; I was a man with gentle characteristics who'd been presenting artificially all his life. I desired to change into the man in the sharp suit, performing under lights, and at that moment I understood that I was able to.

I scheduled an appointment to see a medical professional shortly afterwards. The process required additional years before my transformation concluded, but not a single concern I feared materialized.

I continue to possess many of my female characteristics, so individuals frequently misidentify me for a queer man, but I accept this. I desired the liberty to experiment with identity following Bowie's example - and given that I'm at peace with myself, I am able to.