Excessive Apologies: Ways to Stop the Pattern

Being a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve always believed that politeness is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a happy life, I’ve battled very little self-assurance. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Frequently, it happens so quickly that I’m not even aware of it. It stems from anxiety and has influenced both my private and work life. It frustrates my loved ones and colleagues, and then I get frustrated when they point it out—which only heightens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Inquiring

This over-apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to public speaking or making inquiries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay on track and avoid going off-topic, but even that fails most of the time. As an early-career academic in political science, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through exposure therapy, such as instructing groups and forcing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing setbacks from senior male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I revert to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t believe I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still value life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to stop the overuse of apologies. I’ve read that therapy might support me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.

Understanding the Roots

A psychotherapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this started?” or “Was it your own idea or inherited from someone important to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once benefited us become maladaptive in adulthood.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as holding yourself back. You know it irritates those around you, yet you keep doing it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than striving. Much of effective counseling is about self-reflection, not just problem-solving. A qualified professional will kindly probe you, offering a comfortable setting to explore and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a relational approach with a humanist therapist might be more effective. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you treat, disregard, and criticize yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-esteem can grow from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing ingrained patterns is difficult, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid discomfort or being seen, by admitting perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a loop of frustration and worry.

Even processing later can be beneficial. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel listened to without you taking responsibility.

This journey will take persistence, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a important first step toward improvement.