Balancing the Desire for Casual Encounters While Seeking a Committed Partnership

As a homosexual male in my late 40s, I’ve spent numerous, largely enjoyable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I had a committed partnership which continued for four years, but I never felt completely content, because I didn't experience love or sexually nourished. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for casual sex. Every time I start to date a potential partner, when the initial excitement dwindles, I always get the urge to be intimate with new partners again.

Questioning the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment

Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to maintain a faithful partnership. I understand that numerous gay men have open relationships, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed like hard work, frequently resulting in significant pain and jealousy among all parties. To a large extent, I desire a partner to love me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, however I dread to imagine the emotional drain this would cause. Should I just keep having casual sex and accept that a long-term relationship is not possible? I feel somewhat confused.

Each individual's sexual journey varies. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your capacity to tolerate various forms of intimate connections as fixed. Your needs as you are experiencing them now may well change down the road; eventually you might become less ambivalent and find some clarity and a suitable route … or perhaps not. One day you might meet someone offering a life-changing chance for you by reflecting what you want in a holistic fashion … and at another point you may choose that non-committal encounters suit you best. Fretting over the future and engaging in endless speculation is merely anxiety-based and squandering of your efforts. Aim to stay present with your partners, and recognize the value of each person with whom you might have a sexual connection. When and if you are ever ready to deepen true intimacy with a single person, you will know.

• The psychotherapist is a US-based psychotherapist focusing on addressing intimacy issues.